


Friend Fiction.

by Heroine_Lestrange



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25938982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heroine_Lestrange/pseuds/Heroine_Lestrange
Summary: Zelena writes friend fiction and the whole town is there for it.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 14
Kudos: 61





	Friend Fiction.

Zelena released a relieved sigh as she finally pressed the print button, leaning back in her chair to admire her handy work. Another brilliant chapter was complete, now she just needed to go make her delivery rounds to her loyal readers. A service she only offered because the majority of her readers either feared the internet or relied on a heavily outdated dial up system, sometimes she really despised the backwards nature of many of the townsfolk.

She quickly made her way to Granny’s where all her clients gathered on a weekly basis in order to acquire her latest best selling chapter, well as best selling as something can be in a town of fifty people. Seeing the large group huddle inside, Zelena swiftly pushed them aside in order to get to the front of the diner.

“Shut up!” the green witch growled, causing the low rumble of the room to die down and expectant faces to turn in her direction.

“That’s better. In my hand I have the latest chapter of my epic ongoing saga,” Zelena said, raising the printed and stapled pages in her hand. “However my printer ran out of ink, so there are only 2 copies at the moment.”

The silence of the room was broken with unhappy grumbling and complaints all being directed at the red head at the head of the room.

“You can complain all you want but I still only have 2 copies. Tomorrow I’ll have the rest but this is it for today,” Zelena shrugged, looking unimpressed at the unhappy crowd.

“Who gets the new chapter today then?” Grumpy asked from his position at the back of the crowd.

“Whoever deserves it most gets it. So who’s suffered the most for this romance to live on?” Zelena scanned the crowd looking for volunteers.

“I served them yesterday and for two hours had to watch them have eye sex over lunch,” Ruby offered, her comment eliciting sympathetic sounds from the room.

“They were over for family dinner at our home and sat closely next to one another…..while passively aggressively arguing,” Snow said in a tone that was scandalize.

“How is that different from what they do every day?” Granny asked with the roll of her eyes, dismissing the younger women.

“They were holding hands, sarcastically. They literally said that to our faces,” Snow stressed. Everyone gasped at the behaviour.

“Shit! That’s a good one,” Granny swore, slamming a fist to the counter before stalking into the kitchen.

“I have to listen to each of them individually talk about the other for two hours every week, my sanity is hanging on by a thread,” Archie exclaimed, removing his glasses and pinching his nose in frustration.

“Yeah, I move that we have Archie removed from the running. He’s a therapist and that’s supposed to be confidential,” Katheryn suggested, crossing her arms and glaring at a shameful Archie.

“She has a point. Archie you’re disqualified from the running, also you have to stop sucking so much as a therapist,” Zelena said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“I live with them, so I’m around them all the time. That should count right?” Henry offered from his position in the booth.

“Nope, no way! They’re your moms, you should be immune to it by now so don’t try to guilt us with your puppy dog eyes,” Malifacent snapped at the young boy. “Emma killed me and Regina cursed me, I deserve it.”

“Darling, Emma killed me to. It’s not like you’re the only one,” Cruella puffed on her cigarette, aiming the smoke at the dragon who returned the favour with her own brand of smoke. The crowd was on the edge of their seats waiting in anticipation for the impending brawl between the two villains.

“Emma broke my heart,” Hook exclaimed, breaking up the tension and leaving the audience disappointed that no brawl was about to take place.

“No she didn’t, you two were never together and anyway we all know you’re sleeping with that little green fairy,” Ursula quipped, ignoring the pirates faux hurt expression as she did.

“Shouldn't I get one?” Emma asked from her position next to Henry.

“Why? You have given absolutely no reason to deserve special treatment,” Zelena replied.

“The story is about me! It’s literally a fictional romance about Regina and I that you make money off of,” Emma argued, becoming more frustrated as she went along.

“Not really a good reason, not really a reason at all,” Katherine said.

“Yeah I agree with Katherine but we’ll put it to a vote. All those in favor of Emma getting one of the copies, raise your hand?” Zelena spoke to the gathered group. Several hands were raised.

“Okay so that’s 14 people. You needed 20 so…….no copy for you sorry,” Zelena said with fake sympathy.

“What the hell! Seriously! I hate this town!,” Emma huffed, sulking in her booth.

“Zelena, I’ll give you $100 for one,” Mr Gold offered from his shadowy corner.

“Sold! To the creep in the corner,” Zelena pointed to Mr Gold before exchanging the pages for cash.

“SERIOUSLY! SERIOUSLY!” Emma yelled, throwing her hands up in defeat. Zelena however continued to ignore the blonde saviour in favour of finding another buyer.

“One more copy left people,” Zelena waived the pages around. The bell over the door interrupted the witch and alerted the crowd to a new presence.

“CODE RED! CODE RED!” Snow bellowed. When the mayor became visible the crowd quickly dispersed, piling out of the back door and kitchen windows as fast as physically possible.

Regina looked on in confusion at the commotion before bending over to pick up a dis-guarded booklet that lay on the floor. Turning it over she read the title.

_THE EVIL QUEEN AND THE SAVIOUR: A SAFE PASSAGE FOR HER SWORD_

What……? Regina looked around the diner but it was completely deserted. She shook her head before placing the booklet carefully into her purse, there would be no harm in skimming the booklet she thought to herself with a growing blush.

* * *


End file.
